


The Brophanage

by Le_purple



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Absent Parents, Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Alternate Universe - Orphanage, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Auto-Responder | Lil Hal and Dirk Strider are Twins, Backstory, Bad Parenting, Cat Puns, Dialogue Heavy, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Foster Care, Gen, Human Davesprite (Homestuck), Humanstuck, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internal Monologue, Loss of Parent(s), Minor Davesprite/Jade Harley, Mistaken Identity, Orphanage, Orphans, Pancakes, Parent Death, Play Fighting, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2020-05-19 15:20:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19359610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Le_purple/pseuds/Le_purple
Summary: An alternate universe in which Bro runs an orphanage/foster home, and all of alternate Daves and Dirks live there.





	1. The Cum Patch

**Author's Note:**

> Just for reference:  
> You: Dave  
> Nathan, Nick and Dale: Nakodiles  
> Peta/Peter: Davepeta  
> Asshole movie director guy: Alpha Dave  
> Hal: Hal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted 1-7-19

You had no idea how it was legal for this guy to own you.

Ok, so he doesn't LEGALLY own you, nor really own anyone in The Shitshow you have to call a home, but it's not like any of you have anywhere else to go.

Your name is Dave Strider, and you happen to be one of the many orphans/foster kids in the care of one Bro Strider. You obviously know his name isn't 'Bro' but that's the only thing he'll let any of the about twenty kids in The Shithole you are obligated to call a home.

You're pretty certain that the whole thing is a PR move or something by one of Bros 'pals', some asshole movie director guy (who in a creepy way kinda looks like you and like half the kids here) asked him to take care of a bunch of orphans he adopted so that he looked like a good person, at least that's what you assumed happened. Legally speaking, you're under HIS care, which is probably why Bro gets to be the most piece of shit guardian ever, and the director dickhead kinda has to look like a good carer. He actually gets mad respect for it and the media pretty much sees him as a saint, hence why there always seems to be two extra kids in here every other month.

Because the asshole movie director guy is legally your guardian, he does pretty much the minimum amount of work with the maximum amount of bribes, meaning he does jack shit but do publicity stunts, give a cut of the government money to Bro, give everyone endless streams of pointless and shitty merch, and maybe say hi once a month because 'legal reasons' or some shit. One of your only memories of him with EVERYONE is that time you all went to a sushi place after doing paintball, and he literally just WATCHED and you're pretty sure he fucked Bro in the bathroom!

Any normal person would assume that Bro would be less absent from your life, but NOPE! You barely see him either! And he's even worse! You can't walk three feet without stumbling upon sex toys, traps and swords like they're fucking ears of corn in a cornfield. And he doesn't even attempt to hide the cameras and his lucrative career as a porn-star, proof being the loud 3am moans that everyone in the entire COMPLEX can hear, let alone the 3 fucking 7 year-olds in the apartment.

 

And this concludes your near hourly rant, bringing you back to the unfortunate reality of your situation: stepping on a sticky wet patch in front of the couch with bare feet.  
It's like time fucking stopped, the flow of seconds blocked up like a dam as you feel the squish of cummy shag carpet in between your toes, cold and clingy.

"Dave, why the fuck are you screaming?" Dirk asks casually, walking around you and flopping down on the couch, opening his orange fanta and downing half of it in one gulp. You close your mouth and resort to something that sounds like a pubescent hum on an ascending scale.  
"Dude, you're gonna wake everyone!" You stop screaming.

"Already awake." Nathan grumbled, the small boy sitting next to Dirk, his bright red, fluffy scaled morning robe spreading out from under him with a quiet 'poof'.

"Are Nick and Dale still asleep." Dirk asks, grabbing the Xbox controllers and turning the console on, passing the other one to the pointy toothed child.

"Yep!" He chirps. "Why were you screaming anyway?"

"N-nothing! It's-it's nothing!" You splutter, quickly stepping off the sticky wet patch.

"Ew, what's that?" The boy asks innocently. "Did you sneeze?" Dirk looks down at the wet patch and grimaced.

"Ew, gross! What? Dave did you-!"

"What! No! I-I just walked in an-and-!" Everyone is confused, especially Nathan.

"Hey my dudes, what's crackin?" Peta says, walking in with a bowl full of cereal. Peter, or Peta as they like to be called, is the oldest at 17 years old, and has been here the longest. They've kinda gotten used to Bros shit and knows how to deal with it now.

"No idea." Nathan replies, scratching his bright red hair. Dirk gestures down at the wet patch and Peta looks down at it under their tinted circular glasses before sighing and smiling.

"Hey Nathan? Mew wanna chillax and play Nintendogs in my room?" They ask, their always cheerful disposition filling their voice.

"Aw, what? I was just about to play Bros skateboard game with Dirk!" The young boy whines.

"Comeow on! Purrease! Purretty purrease! I'll fix mew up some breakfast. What do mew want? Waffles, cereal...?"

"Do we have pancakes?" Nathan asks, giving Peta the closest thing he can manage to puppy-dog eyes, even with the black sunglasses.

"Purrhaps. Will mew say purrease?" Peta teases, leaning against the door frame that separated the kitchen and living room.

"Pleeeeaaase?" He parrots, smiling and showing all of his crooked, pointy teeth. "Or I guess purrease?"

"Hey can I have some too? Purrease." You ask, trying to wipe the cum on your foot on the carpet while looking casual and only half succeeding.

"Yeah sure! Dirk?"

"I'm good thanks." He says plainly, starting the game and beginning to play, his avatar rolling around to collect coins and snacks, flipping and spinning on his skateboard. Peta raises their eyebrows at him before going into the kitchen, Nathan following behind like a duckling. Usually, there is never any food in the apartment, but Peta and a few others here have tried to stock up on hidden food, even if sometimes it does get replaced with fake blood and weaponry.

You decide to sit on the couch next to Dirk, trying not to disturb him and just watch the game, smelling out for the pancakes Peta is making. Shit...they smell fucking awesome. The hiss of the batter in the pan is distracting you from watching Dirk do Sick Tricks, and you can almost see his own concentration waver as there's the sound of the pancake being flipped.

"So are you gonna clean up the cum?" Dirk asks you, breaking you out of your pancake scent induced trance.

"Ew no. It's not mine."

"Not mine either. Come on, you're 13 you already know what you need to do."

"I'm not touching it. And ew, wtf?"

"Whatever, man. Just at least make sure none of the little ones step on it."

"Little ones?" You say. "What are you, 50?"

"Clean up the cum, Dave." He sighs sternly, eyes still focused on the game. You grumble multiple nonsensical curse words as you get up and make sure to walk around the cum spot, continuing to watch your step as you saunter to the bathroom as to not step on any other traumatising substances or objects. You take a fistful of toilet paper and walk back to the couch with the same amount of caution as you walked there, sidestepping some shitty swords and shurikens before dropping the entire wad of toilet paper onto the wet patch, noticing that Hal took your place on the couch and is playing the skateboarding game with Dirk.

"Dude move, I was sitting there first." You complain, tired of everyone's shit today.

"A hello to you too, Dave." He retorts. The asshole.

"Move! I wanna sit down!"

"I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that." He replies smugly.

"Ughhhhhh! Stop being a dick!"

"Dave you're gonna wake everyone!" Dirk snaps.

"Tell him to move then!"

"I'm not moving." You shove Hal so he loses the game, Dirk smiling a little at the victory. You admit that it was petty, but you don't care all that much. Of course Hal shoves back, and neither of you being the better man, it starts a shove fight. He's the one who starts punching first, grabbing your hair and punching you in the gut. It didn't hurt all that much, but you grab his arm and twist it so he lets go of your hair, you then punch him in the chest and shove him off the couch into the now moist tissue pile with a THUNK, red-rimmed glasses slipping off his face.

You soak in the entire 4 seconds of undisturbed victory on the couch until Hal starts kicking you. Obviously as proud ruler of the couch you cannot have peasants that challenge your throne go unpunished, so you kick back, gravity giving you an advantage.

"Stop fighting or neither of mew are getting pancakes." Peta huffs, holding two plates of pancakes, Nathan holding a third one. Only a mad man would continue fighting. Hal sits up as Peta hands him the plate, yourself doing the same and grabbing the warm plate eagerly. You pick up the fork and tear at the small stack of pancakes, the syrup softening it up and giving the food a sugary translucency.  
"Hey Dirk, pancakes!" Peta says, holding out the plate for Dirk to grab, who hasn't yet.

"I said I didn't want any."

"Comeown! Eat it! Eat it eat it eat it!

"Peta, I'm not hungry."

"It's not good fur you to not eat. Comeown! Comeown comeown comeow-"

"Dude! I'm not hungry. And stop with the fucking cat puns." Peta puts their free hand on their hip, pouting at Dirk before getting close to his face and smiling.

"Mew can purry them fwom my COLD DEAD PAWS OwO!" They chirp, eyes wide behind tinted glasses and cat-like fangs bared. Dirk made himself look unphased.

"...fine." Dirk mutters, taking the plate and reluctantly putting down the controller to the Xbox, grabbing the forks instead as Peta and Nathan walk into Peta's room. You watch for a second as he smiles a small, warm smile as he bites down on a forkful of pancake.

 

This place is undeniably a piece of shit, but sometimes it can be less terrible than usual.


	2. Horny, Depressed Bird-Douche

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer moves in with Dave.  
> TW: Mentions of suicide
> 
>  
> 
> (Originally posted 6-8-19)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spencer: Davesprite

You had enjoyed the peace and sanctity of having a room to yourself for too long apparently, so the universe has decided to destroy your 'fun' with Spencer.

"Who's the cute nerd girl?" Spencer asks, pawing through your Polaroids like it's the thing to fucking do. Spencer had only been here for a few hours, not even enrolling in your school yet, hence why he is referring to Jade Harley, the absolute beast and certified BadAss, botanist, physicist, pretty much everything, as a 'cute nerd girl'.

"Wow ok, first of all: that isn't very 'respact wamen' of you. Second of all, don't fucking touch my shit!" You snap, snatching the photos out of his grubby little hands and clutching them close to your chest like a dragon protecting its sweet loot or something.

"Fucking hell. Chill out man, I just wanna know who that hot dorky looking chick is." Spencer steps back, looking around the room that he is going to have to share with you for god knows how long for any other pictures of the 'cute nerd girl'.

"Dude just stop looking through my stuff and get unpacking your own shit!" You grumble, stuffing your photos under your pillow.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Spencer teases, plucking off some more photos off the strings that hung around he room.

"Fuck off man!" You pull down all the strings, bunching them up without creasing the Polaroids and throwing them on your bed. You go to grab the photos from Spencer, but he turns around and hunches over to look at them. Of course they don't all have Jade in, more just pictures of your friends, yourself or views you get from your window, so he quickly throws them to you.

"So you really like taking photos huh?" Spencer points out, like the very observant motherfucker he is.

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't know, just a hunch." He starts unloading his shit. It's mostly the same shit everyone else here has, but it doesn't mean that you didn't have to downsize your horde of shit. It's slightly different though, mostly bird-themed shit for some reason. There's feathers, pictures of birds, shiny things, this guy is basically a fucking crow!

"So you really like bird shit huh?" You mirror, starting to re-thread the strings of photos around the room without encroaching on Spencer's shit.

"Wow, really? Hadn't noticed." He says, taking his hands off his crow-foot printed bed sheets to put them on his hips for bonus effect.

"Why do you even like all this? Did you used to have like a pet bird or something."

"It's actually part of my #dramaticbackstory. My dad really liked birds and I used to look after them sometimes, but when he killed himself it was just me and the birds, chillin out until child protective services came." Spencer says, in the same ironic apathy that everyone else here says everything in.

"Sounds pretty chill, dude." You reply, in the same ironic apathy. "What was your mom like?"

"Never met her. My dad was cool though, a little reclusive but otherwise pretty alright."

"I never met either of my parents, been here ever since I could remember."

"Shit, really? So you're like the OG: original guardian-less." Spencer says, finishing up his bed and taking to bombarding your wardrobe with his clothes, which is mostly just blank orange shirts or MORE bird-themed shit.

"Ok so that was a stretch. Did you have trouble thinking of that one?"

"Can't be gangsta 24/7, gotta say dumb shit at some point otherwise all the smart shit gets boring."

"Wise words. Preach it dude." You say, watching him kick the empty boxes into the hallway and trigger a fake blood trap, drenching the boxes. He steps back, a little shocked, but he turns around and casually sits on his bed, getting out his phone; again with a bird-themed phone case. "But y'know, sometimes it's hard to turn my swag off."

"Oh yeah?" He says, not looking away from his phone. "Is that how you got that cute looking nerd girl to be your friend?"

"She's not-!" You take back your initial panic. "Hell yeah. Gettin' ALL the ladies."

"Apart from her though."

"Nah, the Jadester is obviously madly in love with me but, she can't touch the Strider behind."

"So what is she like single, or...?" He asks, looking at you through the customary sunglasses with eyebrows raised in anticipation.

"Oh my fucking god, dude!" You yell. You think you're gonna have problems living with this horny, depressed bird-douche.


	3. The Splinters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hal and Spencer confide in each other.

You slump down on your bed and sigh, fixing your glasses as you rest your head against the wall.

"Hal, do you ever feel like you're not the real you?" You ask, Hal looking up from his computer.

For whatever reason you and Hal have gotten really close in the few weeks that you've been here. Even though you know as much about him as anyone else here, you two have been hanging around together, the dude even letting you into his room (which is REALLY uncommon here!) despite the fact that he shares it with Dirk.

"That is uncharacteristically philosophical of you, Spencer. If I didn't know any better I would think that one of the several 'Dirk's' here had possessed you."

"Shut up, man."

"What do you mean by 'real you'-in the least philosophical way you can put it, I don't want to deal with deciphering anything."

"Like, do you ever feel like you're just a clone or a piece of who you really are? I mean you said it yourself, Hal, 'one of the several Dirk's here', it's like we're all just replacements or clones." You say. Hal turns around to face you, and even behind his glasses you can see that he is still trying to process what he wants to say.

"You won't...you won't tell anyone, right? You're not going to tell Dirk, or Diederik, or Derick, or..."

"No, but as long as you don't let this conversation leave this room."

"Sometimes I feel like...I'm just a splinter of everyone else. I'm not the full version, or even a clone, I'm just a fraction."

"Yeah it's like-it's weird that everyone here feels like different sides of the same coin, or even just copies of the same coin from different minting presses. But you and me are just the scrap metal, like shards that land on the conveyor belt."

"What's got you thinking about this anyway, Spencer? I mean other from the fact that this is literally our existence." Hal asks, sitting next to you on his bed like he's your fucking big brother or something.

"I swear, people don't even know my name. They just kinda cycle through Dave, Dauda, Deton, until they think they're getting it right. It's gotten to the point where people are just like: 'hey, Davut!' and I'm like 'hey bro, what's up!' like a fucking idiot because who even cares!" You say, your voice only choking up a little.

Ok so maybe you're tearing up, but who cares?!

Apparently Hal cares because he gives you a look that makes you wanna actually cry.

"Spencer, if it makes you feel any better, I think that you're way better than Dave, or Deton or Davut or whoever. You're awesome bro, you're like the only person here who I don't have to be a smartass around. Have you heard me around Dirk or whoever-the-fuck-else? I'm basically their robot assistant/fill in, which I guess I'm ok with but it's just so refreshing to actually talk to someone here that isn't..."

Hal sighs and you both sit together in silence for a few seconds, basically sinking in the depressed tension in the air.

"If anyone hears us say this kind of shit, we are in SO MUCH trouble." You finally mutter, resting your chin on your knees.

"That doesn't matter, Spencer."

"What even DOES matter Hal?"

"Hey," Hal says, smiling and gently nudging you. "No philosophical shit."

"Sorry man, I guess I just got caught up spewin' nonsense. Maybe I AM possessed by one of the Dirk's!"

"Yeah, you wouldn't even have to kill the dude, he has enough douchebaggery to share."

**Author's Note:**

> I think I might add a couple more chapters to this if I think of anything good.


End file.
